Life as The Bat
by Kento Nion
Summary: This chapter is just the introduction to the story. Batman/Bruce Wayne is kind of a dick to people in general in this story, even to Alfred. I'll try to be as funny and comical as I can. (Also Robin will only feature sometimes in other chapters; he is not in this one)
1. Chapter 1: Bane

**Hi all, this is my first time on this site, so I don't know if I'm doing everything correctly. I will be grateful for any constructive critisism and suggestions.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Batman or any of the characters. It is entirely owned by DC comics.**

**Warning: Mature humor. If that does not appeal to you, your problem, asshole.**

Bruce Wayne woke up and stretched. He looked at his clock. It was 10 AM. He was hungry. He wanted breakfast. "Alfred!" He yelled. "Get your faggot ass up here right now and give me something to stuff my face with!" "Coming!" Alfred called back. He appeared in the doorway seconds later with a tray of food that he had prepared when Bruce was still asleep. "Hurry the hell up, shitface" said Bruce. Alfred hurried over to his bedside and but down the tray. Bruce picked up a slice of bread and bit off a chunk. "This tastes like crap." he said. He picked up the mug of steaming black coffee and flung it at Alfred. He then got out of bed. He was only wearing boxer shorts. "Go clean yourself up, you look like hyena piss" He said to Alfred. Alfred burried his face in his hands and left the room, sobbing. "I'm gonna go get dressed into my Batsuit and punch people" Bruce said. He went downstairs, into his Batcave and put on his suit. "I need a villain to fight" he thought. Then he had an idea.

**** 2 hours later****

Bane was doing stuff. Just stuff. He was walking down a desterted alley, when ahead of him he saw a tall building. On it, in big black words, was painted '**BANE IS A PUSSY. MEET BATMAN BELOW THIS BUILDING TO PROVE HIM WRONG**'

Bane was furious. The Bat had dared call him a pussy. Well, he would show him.

**** 9 PM****

Bruce had been waiting on top of the building for the whole day. Bane had been waiting at the bottom. Bruce didn't want to fight him in daylight. Bane never knew Bruce was there.

Bruce jumped down the building. Bane turned to face him. He was about to open his mouth to speak, but Batman spoke first.

"Fuck...Missjudged...Hight of building...Feet...Hurting...Like...Alot..."

He looked up. "Bane!" He said. "Time to die"

Bane threw his head back, laughing. "There is no-one here to save you, Bat" he said.

"What about that policeman with a shotgun standing behind you?" Batman replied.

Bane turned to look. He had fallen for the trick. There was no policeman, but when he turned Batman ran up to him and kicked him in the nuts.

"YOWCH!" Bane yelled.

Batman then kicked him twice in the face and once in the chest, sending him sprawling. Bane was tough, so he wasn't knocked out like most badguys would be, but he was still stunned.

"Haha" Batman said. He walked over to Bane, pulled down his Batpants and peed in Bane's eye.

****1 hour later****

Batman had taking off his suit and had returned to being Bruce Wayne. "Alfred?" he called. "Yes, Master Wayne?" He heard Alfred call back. "You are a shit-brained dick!" he yelled, then went off to bed.

**COMING NEXT**

Bruce was reading the news paper the next morning. The headline read '**Policemen get their asses kicked**'

In the article it said 'Early this morning two policemen found the supervilain known as "Bane" lying on the floor with pee in his eye. The policemen were about to arrest him when he got up and kicked their asses (literally) so hard that it broke their dickbones. \in othernews, police spokesperson Mr. Someone You Don't Give A Fuck About says that Joker has been passing out flyers with a detailed discription about how he and Poison Ivy had sex, and how jealous Harley Quinn was.

Is that what I think it is? Yes! A button that says 'Review'! Click it before I kick **your **Faggot Ass!


	2. Chapter 2: Joker

Bruce was reading the news paper the next morning. The headline read '**Policemen get their asses kicked**'

In the article it said 'Early this morning two policemen found the supervilain known as "Bane" lying on the floor with pee in his eye. The policemen were about to arrest him when he got up and kicked their asses (literally) so hard that it broke their dickbones. \in othernews, police spokesperson Mr. Someone You Don't Give A Fuck About says that Joker has been passing out flyers with a detailed discription about how he and Poison Ivy had sex, and how jealous Harley Quinn was. "Hey Alfred" Bruce said. "Yes Master Wayne?" "When was the last time you had sex?" "A few years ago" replied Alfred. "Well," said Bruce. "Why don't you go have sex now?" "Really?" asked Alfred. "Sure," said Bruce. "Go fuck yourself" He kicked Alfred in the face. Alfred burst into tears and left. Bruce got up. He was bored. He went upstairs to his bedroom and went out onto the balcony. He stood there for a few minutes. Then he heard a rustling noise. It was coming from the corner of the balcone. It grew louder and louder until finally it stopped. He walked over to the corner. Just as he got there, he saw the head of Catwoman slowly appear above the railing. She got a fright when she saw. "Dafuq you doin on my property, bitch!?" He yelled, and punched her in the face. she fell off the balcony and landed in the garden.

****downstairs****

Alfred was in the kitchen cleaning a dirty bootmark off his cheek when there was a crash outside the window. he went to check and saw Catwoman getting up and dusting herself off. "Call me" he mouthed to her. She showed middle finger and ran away.

****one hour later****

Bruce was in his Batcave. He just received a text fom Robin. It was a picture of him on a luxury cruise. He was on vacation. At the bottom it read **I'm having a hell of a time here with dis shit, how you been, mothafocka?**

Bruce typed **I been kickin ass alot, fuckin up Alfred and such. I pissed in Bane's eye. Gonna wip yo ass when yo return.**

He put down his Batphone and got into his Batmobile. He drove down to Gotham Police Station. He got out of his car and walked up to the side of the building. "Time for some graffiti" he thought. He painted and ass in black paint and a vagina in pink. Then he drove home. On his way home he saw a fugure standing in tthe road. It was Joker. "Surprised?" Joker asked. "Not really," said Batman, getting out of his car. Joker held up a pistol. "Don't come closer, Batty" he said. "Why not, scared?" asked Batman. "Pretty much" replied Joker. "Too fuckin bad!" yelled Batman, as he jumped out of the way before Joker could fire. He punched him a kajarimanilliowazillion times in the face and then picked him up and dragged him to the Batmobile. He put Joker right in front of it, then got in his car and drove over him. He breaked, reversed, and repeated. He squashed Joker about a dozen times in to the ground before leaving.

When he arrived, he saw Alfred standing in the window, showing a double middle finger and mouthing **FUCK THE HELL OUT OF YOU, ASSHOLE! **

Bruce went inside and took off his Batsuit. He went to Alfred and said "You know what, alfred?" "What?" asked Alfred. "Not telling **YOU**, shithead!" Bruce yelled, as he bashed Alfred's head against the wall the punched him in the stomach. "NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING TRY TO INSULT ME, DOI IT BEHIND MY BACK, YOU WORTHLESS HIPPO CUNT!" He took a bottle of vodka out of the fridge and broke it over Alfreds head. "Clean up this shit," he said. "I'm off to bed"

****COMING NEXT****

Bruce woke up early. He checked the clock. It was 01:39 AM. He picked up his phone and texted Alfred. **Fuck you, cock.** He tried to sleep, but he just couldn't. He got out of bed and went downstairs and started making breakfast. He made a few slices of toast for himself with butter, and a cup of coffee. "Now for Alfred" he thought. He took two slices of bread and pooped on them. Then he took out a glass and pissed in it. "There," he thought. Breakfast for Alfred.

Hey, look! A button that says 'review'! Click it, shitpiss.


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